Relationship-- Couples Therapy- Easy Exercise to Get on the Same Page

Steven Hayes and Kelly Wilson discuss the importance of people completing values clarification exercises in their search for growth and health in their book Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. This process is about figuring out what your individual values are (family, education, work, physical exericse, etc.) and then clarify those values to a finite level so you can really figure out what each value really means to you. For example, if you say that family, in general, is a value to you it gives you no information about whether you are living a life consistent with "family" values or not. Instead, clarify the value "family" and really figure out what it is about. So, for one person they may clarify family in the following way:
FAMILY
- having children (yes, but how many children?)
- having two children
- marriage (yes, but what kind of marriage? Common law? Same sex?)
- having a marriage to someone of the opposite sex
- having dinners together at night (yes, but how many times during the week will you have dinner together?)
-having dinner together four nights per week and one time on the weekend

As you can see, the process of clarification takes some time and most people just say getting married is a value, but have no idea what that actually means when you break it down. Why this is important is that once you clarify the value, you can determine whether your daily actions are in lign with those values. In other words, are you doing/acting/behaving in a way that is consistent with your values. If you said Family, for example, is your number one value and yet you are not married, don't have children, aren't having dinner together every night and instead refuse to get into relationships for fear of getting burned ---then, you have an inconsistency between what you say is important and what you are doing. If you had let Family be a general term without clarification -- you may have been able to answer the question differently. If you had just said Family is my value and think to yourself that you spend time on the phone each week with your sister so you are living consistenly with your values ---then, we have a problem. So, first step. Determine 10 values that are important to you in the grand scheme of things. Remember, GOALS are something with a definitive ending, that you can actually reach, accomplish. VALUES, on the other hand, are something that you move towards and try to work at.....it is a lifelong direction and sometimes you will be moving towards your values and sometimes away. But, it's easier to move towards them if you know what they are -- so clarify, clarify, clarify. Some of the ten values that are normally clarified are:
citizenzhip
intimate relationships
parenting
family
physical exercise
social
etc.

I use this exercise with couples in a little different way.

One way to determine if you're relationship is healthy or that you are on the same page with your partner is to do a Couples Relationship Values Clarification. Use the following value domains:

Finances, childrearing, sexual intimacy, nonsexual intimacy, romance,
communication, extended families, religion/spirituality, recreation, conflict, career, chores/duties, gender roles, holidays/present giving.

Each partner should take each value and break it down. What does finances mean to them? Is this saving every penny until retirement? Is it to take one vacacation per year under a $1000 dollars? The value clarification needs to be specific, as in what things are important to each of you in each of those areas? Where do you stand with them, how do you feel about each?

It is always surprising how differently each partner defines/clarifies each value. The most interesting, surprising one is always the sexual intimacy category and most partners have no idea what is important to the other person. Try this with your partner. After you've each clarified each value domain, rank order them in terms of importance. Then take each domain and ask yourself, "on a scale of 1-10 with one being least and ten beng most, how closely am I living up to these values and working towards them?" So, each value domain will have a rank order of importance AND each domain will have a number of how closely you are living your life in alignment with it. If you see an inconsistency between the two numbers, then set short term goals to increase the consistency. Also, you can rank order you partner's value domains in order of how important you think they make them.....and then have them do yours. They rarely match up!

Enjoy!