Forced to be Family

If you haven't read the book, Forced to Be Family, by Cheryl Dellasega -- you should buy it. Especially, if you're female and you have sisters, a mother, a mother-in-law, or any other female relatives. Having eight sisters myself (four of them older and four of them younger) I have learned that if you put that many strong women in to the mix, it can be an emotional rollercoaster of love and hate -- changing at any moment. One of my brothers-in-law commented once that he was going to create a spreadsheet or flow chart so he could figure out who was speaking to whom at any given moment; who was aligned with whom, etc. He wasn't joking -- it's the reality of being in relationships with women - whether friends or families. Dr. Dellasega says in her book:

"I believe 'word wars' an bullying between relatives are the same kinds of behaviors women use to tussle in other arenas. Athough they are the expression of underlying tension, they also tend to be a feamle brand of aggression seen at work and play as well as home. Weapons of mass destruction are often gender-specific: bombs, guns, and physical fights are for guys, and gossip, undermining, and exclusion are for girls. It's not surprising that these behaviors might be especially pronouced among the women we are closest to" (p. 1, 2007).

This style of relating is definitely apparent in my family -- and my sisters and I can get in full-blown knock down, drag out verbal wars and then the next day are hugging and laughing and are best friends. My sisters and I have this joke that when we were growing up, we'd fight and belittle each other all day long and then when we went to sleep on our bunk beds we'd end the night by saying, "Goodnight, I love you. Sorry for being mean." I always find it funny when males make fun of women for being "catty" or for "gossiping" about each other -- as if using words is so much worse that beating each other up in a physical fight. Granted, women can be cruel and we tend to know just how to get to the other person -- what their achilles hill is.

Dr. Dellasega has a name for it, "relational aggression" and she defines it as using words and behaviors rather than physical blows to hurt. She elucidates a few ways that women express negative emotions:
1. by circulating rumors with ill intent
2. by shutting one woman out of a group or turning others against her
3. by controlling the behavior of others so that they can join the abuse
4. giving someone the silent treatment
5. threatening
6. teasing
7. harassing

Do you know a female friend/sister/mother who utilizes relational aggression. It is probable that this person is simply a "fearful woman underneath, relying on her aggressive behaviors to intimidate others so they won't glimpse her insecurity" (p.17-18, 2007).

The difference between strength and courage

My yoga instructor read this poem at the end of class one day and it really hit home for me. As someone who prides herself on being "strong" and viewing it as an essential component of success, this poem challenged my long-standing belief system. I realized as a mental health worker, it is critical that I also convey this message to my clients so they understand that "strength" is good in some situations and bad in others. Isn't this true with all our qualities? It seems that in life, success may be contingent upon figuring out when to utilize our qualities and when to put them on the back shelf. I use this exercise in a group therapy setting sometimes where I ask my clients to come up with their best characteristic, the one quality they are the most proud of -- this is usually an easy thing for people to do. What is more difficult, though, is the process of figuring out when that strength is a bad thing -- when it can lead them astray, cause them to make a bad decision, or miss an opportunity. One example of this is a client who was a car salesman. He was the most engaging, eloquent speaker I've met in a long time. He practically talked himself out of a 500 dollar bill just because he is quick on his feet, makes fast decisions, and is great at working people. He acknowledged this as his "best" quality. When asked how this gets him in trouble sometimes, he replied, "Never. It's always good. It helps me sell cars and be successful." When I asked him to think through any time that it had gotten him in trouble, he finally answered. Well, I guess it's prevented me from ever doing anything other than selling cars. I had the opportunity to go to college and to marry the girl of my dreams, but when faced with the decision to make a quick buck selling cars and moving to Colorado, I quickly decided to give up an education and my girl. I guess if I had thought through it a little bit more, I might have a college education and wife by now." So, I encourage you to think about what are your qualities that you have the most pride in, that you think are your best? Now, consider what situations they might not be such a great thing, and might lead you astray. This poem, "the difference between strength and courage" is a great display of looking at how a quality normally correlated with success, strength, could be a "bad" thing in some circumstances.

The Difference Between Strength & Courage

It takes strength to be firm;
it takes courage to be gentle.

It takes strength to stand guard;
it takes courage to let down your guard.

It takes strength to conquer;
it takes courage to surrender.

It takes strength to be certain;
it takes courage to have doubt.

It takes strength to fit in;
it takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to feel a friend’s pain;
it takes courage to feel your own.

It takes strength to hide your pains;
it takes courage to show them.

It takes strength to endure abuse;
it takes courage to stop it.

It takes strength to stand alone;
it takes courage to lean on another.

It takes strength to love;
it takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive;
it takes courage to live.

-Unknown Author

Best Practices for Parents of Athletes

As I go to my alma mater tonight to do a presentation for parents night for spring sports, 2009, I prepared some material for parents on best practices when you have a child who is an athlete.

“Best Practices” for Parents of Student-Athletes

Do not threaten your child – it does not work as a motivator.

Do not take away privileges if they do not perform to your expectations.

It is okay to expect your child to put in time/energy/commitment to practice.

Let their coach handle the feedback/coaching.

The only yelling your child should hear is “Good Job!” “Way to go!” etc.

Try to avoid letting your child see your differing reactions to winning or losing. Reinforce the effort, not the outcome.

Talk about the match after the emotion has died down – not in the car after. Talking to a child after a game is one of the worst things to do. It’s one of the reasons that nearly 50 percent of children ages 5 to 12 surveyed don’t want their parents to attend their games. Wait a day to casually ask your kid how they felt about the sport. Cushion the conversation by offering praise.

Communicate with your child about what they want/need from you when they win or lose. It shouldn’t be a guessing game. They will tell you exactly what they want.

Do not interfere with a match while it’s going on – do not pace, do not take off your tennis shoe, and do not leave the match when they are losing.

Be sensitive to how much involvement your child wants from you.

Your job is to be supportive, and to stick up for your child.

Option A: Leave stuff up to your child completely; Option B: Leave it up to your child with some help from the parent; Option C: Parent driven with your child giving some input. The best option here is B. Today, kids should have the most say with us as guides or coaches. That would make you more of a ‘behind the scenes’ parent in a way. A, however, is better than C.