Forced to be Family

If you haven't read the book, Forced to Be Family, by Cheryl Dellasega -- you should buy it. Especially, if you're female and you have sisters, a mother, a mother-in-law, or any other female relatives. Having eight sisters myself (four of them older and four of them younger) I have learned that if you put that many strong women in to the mix, it can be an emotional rollercoaster of love and hate -- changing at any moment. One of my brothers-in-law commented once that he was going to create a spreadsheet or flow chart so he could figure out who was speaking to whom at any given moment; who was aligned with whom, etc. He wasn't joking -- it's the reality of being in relationships with women - whether friends or families. Dr. Dellasega says in her book:

"I believe 'word wars' an bullying between relatives are the same kinds of behaviors women use to tussle in other arenas. Athough they are the expression of underlying tension, they also tend to be a feamle brand of aggression seen at work and play as well as home. Weapons of mass destruction are often gender-specific: bombs, guns, and physical fights are for guys, and gossip, undermining, and exclusion are for girls. It's not surprising that these behaviors might be especially pronouced among the women we are closest to" (p. 1, 2007).

This style of relating is definitely apparent in my family -- and my sisters and I can get in full-blown knock down, drag out verbal wars and then the next day are hugging and laughing and are best friends. My sisters and I have this joke that when we were growing up, we'd fight and belittle each other all day long and then when we went to sleep on our bunk beds we'd end the night by saying, "Goodnight, I love you. Sorry for being mean." I always find it funny when males make fun of women for being "catty" or for "gossiping" about each other -- as if using words is so much worse that beating each other up in a physical fight. Granted, women can be cruel and we tend to know just how to get to the other person -- what their achilles hill is.

Dr. Dellasega has a name for it, "relational aggression" and she defines it as using words and behaviors rather than physical blows to hurt. She elucidates a few ways that women express negative emotions:
1. by circulating rumors with ill intent
2. by shutting one woman out of a group or turning others against her
3. by controlling the behavior of others so that they can join the abuse
4. giving someone the silent treatment
5. threatening
6. teasing
7. harassing

Do you know a female friend/sister/mother who utilizes relational aggression. It is probable that this person is simply a "fearful woman underneath, relying on her aggressive behaviors to intimidate others so they won't glimpse her insecurity" (p.17-18, 2007).