Stages of Grief

Recently, in Fort Collins, a 14 year old high school girl was struck by an SUV on her bike and was killed. There really is no good way to deal with death, especially of a child. Many people know about the 7 stages of grief but does this really help us sort through the mess of emotions we feel when someone close to us dies. Here are the 7 stages:

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

Does it help being able to identify where you are in the process? Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps it helps to know that the way you are feeling is supposedly universal and others are experiencing the same intensity of emotion. The bottom line is that we do not know how to cope with death in our society. It is something that we don't talk about, don't prepare for. As humans, we can prepare for a lot of things -- but death is something we know nothing about. We have no idea what it feels like, what happens to us after.....so, is death such a horrible thing simply because of the unknown. If we knew our loved one was, in fact, in a happier place or that their death was painless and beautiful -- would it make our grief any easier?

The bottom line, no matter what, is that grief is never handled the same way by anyway and if you see someone struggling suggest they see a psychologist, a counselor, a therapist -- someone. Even if they don't want to talk about it, it is critical that they have someone who will make them communicate their internal world so it does not eat away at their soul.

My heart goes out to the family of the beautiful girl who was killed this week in Fort Collins and to any other parents who have lost their child. I can't imagine the pain that comes along with it.